For those of you that don't know, I am a crabby person. I gripe, bitch, piss, moan and all the other fun terms we have for this type of action.
Not hubby says "you would bitch if they hung you with a new rope". Well DUH! A new rope is scratchy and stiff, who wouldn't bitch about that?
This time of year brings it out extra in me. The weather for starters but then add the holidays and look out! I don't just despise the winter holidays, I am an equal opportunity despiser. (new word)
I don't like holidays, birthdays, baby showers, bridal showers, weddings, sappy movies, love songs or anything else that makes a person feel warm and fuzzy on the inside.
I am CERTAIN it stems from the way I was raised but I am an adult and those "excuses" do NOT work anymore. I have grown in to a snarky, condescending, judgmental, tell you what I think even if it hurts your feelings bitch. I am not proud of this, it is just the way it is. I also claim to be a Christian... yes you read that right.
Sorry God but I do claim that I am one of yours. I am broken. I am tired of being broken. I have tried to soften my edges, watch mushy feel good movies, enjoy the holidays, listen to lovey music but it is not easy. It feels wrong, unnatural and I feel like a liar.
Don't get me wrong, I do feel emotions and if I were to tell you that I haven't cried at the loss of a pet, the birth of my child or during a movie then THAT would be a lie. Those things do happen but not often.
I reflect, I pray, I read the bible and my devotional and I see people who are genuinely nice and good and full of love and I wonder what it is to live that way. Now I am not saying I am evil or bad, I don't think that at all. I just know I am not like those people.
I don't want to run out and makes tons of friends and socialize all the time and spend all my time around people, I am an introvert and I LOVE it! I do want to be able to love those in my life completely and fully, enjoy the times we spend together, have fun decorating for Christmas, celebrate the happy times with those I love (baby showers, birthdays, weddings) and not count every minute until I can leave.
Rome wasn't built in a day and so it stands to reason that I will not wake up in the morning a new person. I am a work in progress, did I also mention I am VERY impatient? Yeah this makes it an interesting road I am traveling.
Pray for me, pray that like the Grinch my small heart will grow three sizes :-)
