So for my 40th (ugh) birthday a couple of things happened.

1) I didn't wake up and look any different than I did the day before. I had expected an epic change, perhaps the same way we expect one when we turn 16, 18, 21 or 30. No changes!

2) I got a cool camera :-) I have been interested in photography since high school, waaaaaaay back! I just never took the leap until now. I am pretty excited and started a Pinterest board of my photos. Pretty serious stuff right there! https://www.pinterest.com/tnicky75/tntphotography/

I am going to take some classes and learn how to USE the camera properly and learn about light and composition and stuff.

I love the way it feels to go around looking at things and really looking at them. It makes me slow down and pay attention. It gets me out in nature. It makes me happy.

     Life doesn't happen in the rear view mirror so why do we constantly look back? Because we know what happened in the past. We aren't sure of the future, it hasn't happened yet so it is a big question mark. That leaves us feeling alone or nervous sometimes optimistic. Glancing back or reflecting on things once in a while is not the problem, it is the constant day to day getting stuck in the memories.

     We can learn from the past, it can be the best teacher. We can also be hurt or hindered from it. I wish I could go back and do my pregnancy and Dylan's childhood over.  I can't. So should I sit and stare in that rear view mirror wishing, pining, felling sad or do I acknowledge it and use it to be a better mom now?  The answer is pretty obvious.  Now is more important than then!

     I sure was fit. Disciplined at working out and eating right. I sure wish I could be like that again! Well sitting here wishing isn't going to make it happen. Putting down my Pepsi and and working out will!

     Not everything in the past is a learning experience, sometimes it is just a memory. Beware that these can grab you and hold you there as well. Bad memories hold you and remind you of the hurtful things people have said or done. They can drag you back to that dark alley and beat the crap out of you all over again. Don't let those bad memories bully you. They thrive and grow in sadness, depression and fear.

     What about the happy memories? Well they can grab a hold of you and trap you in the cycle of "I sure was happy then." "Nothing compares to ________" and pretty soon NOTHING does compare to then. It is easy to see the happy times through very rose colored glasses. These glasses can start to blur the edges of the not so happy and pretty soon some of the bad things don't seem so bad after all.
Don't let the happy times fool you in to the false nostalgia of "the ex wasn't THAT bad" or "that old job was pretty great after all". This leads back to the pining and wishing.

     Glance back if you have to. Flip it the bird if that helps. Tell that old life "thanks, but I am moving on". I remember what made me happy or what I did to hurt others but I am NOT going to live in those memories. Rip that rear view mirror down and throw it in the river!

     Focus on the present. Be present. With family, friends, and co-workers. Most important be present with God, every single day!

Here is to a fantastic 2015!!!

Bah!

     For those of you that don't know, I am a crabby person. I gripe, bitch, piss, moan and all the other fun terms we have for this type of action.
     Not hubby says "you would bitch if they hung you with a new rope". Well DUH! A new rope is scratchy and stiff, who wouldn't bitch about that?
     This time of year brings it out extra in me. The weather for starters but then add the holidays and look out! I don't just despise the winter holidays, I am an equal opportunity despiser. (new word)
     I don't like holidays, birthdays, baby showers, bridal showers, weddings, sappy movies, love songs or anything else that makes a person feel warm and fuzzy on the inside.
     I am CERTAIN it stems from the way I was raised but I am an adult and those "excuses" do NOT work anymore. I have grown in to a snarky, condescending, judgmental, tell you what I think even if it hurts your feelings bitch. I am not proud of this, it is just the way it is. I also claim to be a Christian... yes you read that right.
     Sorry God but I do claim that I am one of yours. I am broken. I am tired of being broken. I have tried to soften my edges, watch mushy feel good movies, enjoy the holidays, listen to lovey music but it is not easy. It feels wrong, unnatural and I feel like a liar.
     Don't get me wrong, I do feel emotions and if I were to tell you that I haven't cried at the loss of a pet, the birth of my child or during a movie then THAT would be a lie. Those things do happen but not often.
     I reflect, I pray, I read the bible and my devotional and I see people who are genuinely nice and good and full of love and I wonder what it is to live that way. Now I am not saying I am evil or bad, I don't think that at all. I just know I am not like those people.
     I don't want to run out and makes tons of friends and socialize all the time and spend all my time around people, I am an introvert and I LOVE it! I do want to be able to love those in my life completely and fully, enjoy the times we spend together, have fun decorating for Christmas, celebrate the happy times with those I love (baby showers, birthdays, weddings) and not count every minute until I can leave.
     Rome wasn't built in a day and so it stands to reason that I will not wake up in the morning a new person. I am a work in progress, did I also mention I am VERY impatient? Yeah this makes it an interesting road I am traveling.
     Pray for me, pray that like the Grinch my small heart will grow three sizes    :-)

I have been out of commission for a while. Since July to be exact. Nothing serious really just a bad case of the I write amazing things in my head and can't remember squats. I think all great writers go through this, I should ask one.

I feel like I am ready to burst with creativity. Unfortunately I can't draw, sing, dance, paint or play an instrument so my outlet is writing.   Ok, I CAN draw, sing, dance, paint, and play an instrument BUT you would not want to be a part of that!

The last time I drew a picture of the master bed/bath it ended up looking like a penguin in a suit. Perhaps I should try to draw a penguin in a suit and I will get my master bed/bath.

Anyway it isn't like I haven't been thinking of writing and even attempting it off and on since July, it's more like the words I write end up like my drawing of the master bed/bath...unrecognizable.

Since the dogs have been corralled it has cut down on the random body parts and dead animals showing up. That has cut down on the fun times we had playing tug of war with a spine. Just because they can't go run amok annoying the neighborhood doesn't mean they haven't been insane.

Every morning when the other half gets up the dogs go CRAZY! He gets to grab some coffee and begin the morning ritual of throwing the jolly ball (what's left of the second one) or the worm head (it  was a head from a stuffed toy). Tally runs as fast as she can after it with Truman in tow and then they both grab it and run back to the couch together. When Tally gets it on her own she runs as fast as she can to the couch launching herself on to it while spinning around and slamming her not so little butt right in the other half's chest. EVERY SINGLE MORNING we go through this for approximately 30 minutes.

The dogs are insane and bounce off the walls, He throws the ball or head and I get to drink my coffee and laugh. I am not sure I could think of a better way to start my mornings.

I have been very blessed with my family. A man I am crazy about, a son who couldn't be any more wonderful (better at mowing yes) and 4 stupid pets who crack me up more often than not.

I am back!

I am back on Twitter. Big deal huh? As I was logging in I felt a sense of grandness. Like I have all these profound, funny, inspiring and moving things to say. Once I was logged in all I could think of was "don't do drugs". Important? Yes. Profound, funny, inspiring and moving? No.

I "write" all day long in my head. It is some pretty amazing stuff too. When I sit down to put my thoughts on paper or screen I tend to get writers block. It is like taking a test. I go blank and then I just stare at the paper or screen and drool. I am sure I am not the only one who has this problem. I think my problem is the whole "it has to be epic to be worth a crap" and as we both know not much, if anything, I write is epic. So here I sit. Waiting for those amazing thoughts to flow out of my brain, down my arms, through my fingers to the keys of the computer so YOU can be WOWED!  Instead of relaxing and letting it flow I get all tense and questioning.

Anyway the point to this blog is that I got back on Twitter. Why the heck would I do that? Well, I am not sure. I felt compelled or something like that. Same reason I started a blog I guess.

I am on Facebook less and on Pinterest and Linkedin more. I feel happier and less stress because of this.

Today on Linkedin I ran across another blogger, author, actress by the name of Angela Shelton. It was because of her I felt compelled to get back on Twitter, I am not sure why though.

I read an article/blog she had posted on Linkedin. It was exactly what I needed today. I feel as though my new mantra is Carpe Diem (seize the day for those of you that don't know that) and it was partly or mostly because of this
http://angelashelton.com/101-ways-to-move-on/?utm_content=bufferc3929&utm_medium=social&utm_source=linkedin.com&utm_campaign=buffer

Of course I started to follow her on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and her blog.
I need more funny positive in my life. Not just the rah rah cheerleadery crap that I don't buy in to.

If you are so inclined you can follow me on Twitter :-)  my name is tnicky75.

It's JUST laundry!

My goodness you would think that keeping up with laundry was like asking me to eat a coconut pie with a side of chocolate whatever!
It is just laundry!
I have a washer and a dryer. In. My. House.
I do not have to load up clothes and walk 5 mile to the creek or crick and bang them on a rock while eating my skin away with lye soap.
I don't have to keep my eyes open for laundry doing woman eating bear.

It isn't like the other is really out of clean underwear. They are in the process of being put away, as in they are in a basket which is probably still in the laundry room and it now has dirty clothes on top of it so I have to look in the dryer and see what I haven't "folded" yet.

Why in the world is this task so difficult for me to stay on top of?

I feel accomplished when I look around and see no dirty clothes or clean clothes waiting for me to do SOMETHING with them. I like the fact that the other doesn't have to look in a drawer or in a closet and then sigh and ask "where is my ______".

Still it seems like I am faced with climbing a mountain and I just  can't   do  it.

I have been doing laundry since I was in second grade, yes second. I shit you not. I wasn't "helping" I was "doing". I didn't get to throw it in the dryer unless it was winter, I had to hang it out on the line. LAME. Maybe that is why I have such a disdain for laundry, might as well add dishes in there too.

You may have noticed I did not mention the 15yr old and his laundry. It is his responsibility. He is 15 and quite capable of carrying his basket down the stairs and running the machines. He is also in charge of the dishes (dishwasher).

I think we need to come up with disposable clothes, like paper plates and plastic cups. That would make my life easier. Oh wait, I don't like shopping either. Oh hell

I did it!

I did a couple its actually and the other will happy to know that laundry was one of them  :-)
To the REAL its though.

1) I volunteered yesterday with my not-mom-in-law at the community center where they have pb&j, chips, cookies and water to hand out to the kids who come play b-ball. This is a good thing for these kids because it is in a lower class area of Topeka and these kids need a place to hang out with positive influences, I am exempt from the influence part :-)

2) I braided my hair!! Not great but I did it. Not some fancy schmansy braid just a regular start at my neck three strand braid. BOOM!!!

3) I have narrowed down my tattoo ideas. Still keeping those in an un-locked vault because I am not 100% sure yet but if you cared enough to ask I would probably tell you.

4) I am enrolled in an entrepreneur class thingy with one of my not-sister-in-laws and I am also enrolled in business classes. I have gone as far as I can on what I already knew, now time for some education!

5) I changed my privacy settings on FB to the most private and then I LOGGED OFF MY PHONE!!! I have been un-plugging from FB for a few days at a time but find myself picking up my phone and scrolling through. I am walking away from it unless I am on my computer and check in for a minute. People can text or email me if they want to chat. Don't call, I don't like to talk on the phone. It is a bit to much like being in person.

6) Narrowed down color combos for the hall bath and master bed/bath. I also started taking down the hall bath tiles.

Don't get all paraisey and be like "good job!" and stuff. I didn't do this all in one day, it has been like Rome. Only not as cool or foreign. It is a work in progress and a step forward after which I need a nap then I stumble 15-20 steps back.

May your days be filled with many steps forward and long glorious naps that leave you happy and refreshed!