While speaking with the significant other regarding my perceived failure of attaining my "goal" in physical fitness he sighed and said "why can't you just workout for fun (because I DO enjoy it) and let your body be what it is?"
WHAT?!?!? I looked at him like he sprouted a second and third head! Are you insane??? That is the DUMBEST thing I have heard from you in a while!
How is that even possible? I hated my body when it was at the peak of its physical fitness pinnacle! I was an embarrassing 132 lbs (which is about 12 lbs more than I was used to) and a tiny pillar of solid muscle. I was wearing the smallest clothes I had worn in years and I was fit! Yet when I looked at myself, which I desperately avoid, I was still out of shape, fat, blech. So if I hate myself at the most fit I have ever been and probably ever will be how in the world does he think I can "let my body be what it is"???
While I appreciate the fact he loves me and if I have an extra few lbs on me he doesn't care it is also difficult because he is so accepting and I am not.
I put on a pair of jeans the other day that a couple of months ago were loose on me and I had to do the fat dance and wiggle to get them over my thighs and ass. Then I cried AGAIN! If you know me at all then you know crying pisses me off, it makes me feel weak. But here I am trying very hard to get to a goal and I am going in the WRONG F'ING DIRECTION!!!!!!
I am frustrated and angry and sick of hating this body that God so graciously gave me. Just because I want to be a willowy 5'9" or so doesn't mean I will EVER get there. I can't I am 5'5" and "athletic" built which to me means chubby.
I think the significant other is just as tired of me hating myself. I try to avoid any conversation regarding me and my body with him. I know he will sigh and say they same things over and over. He is tired of saying it and I am tired of hearing it.
I hate shopping and this is why. I don't like to look in the mirror and you kind of have to when you try clothes on. Plus when I get to the fitting room I shrink 3 inches and gain 15 lbs. Think I am going to a pool party or boating with friends??? Hell NO!!! I was talking with a friend this morning after my run and decided I will live in sweatpants and mumus.
My mom will bling them for me then I can be a giant sparkly tent!
I hope you all have a great weekend and are headed in the RIGHT direction of your goals!
At the risk of sounding like a former therapist, every person has "recordings" running through her head all the time, some with good messages, some bad. We all have to replace the bad tapes with good stuff. Whenever that bad recording starts, play something else. I recommend Psalm 139:14 in any version you prefer. I memorized it as "I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Marvelous are your works, and that my soul knows full well." Find verses that mean something to you and repeat them to yourself until you believe them. It's taken me years to overcome some of my bad tapes, but it took years to make those tapes, too, so that's OK.
ReplyDeleteI heard this song two years ago, and it is the first song I ever bought as an MP3 because it struck a chord: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zq8xG6yAZ1Q. I listen anytime I forget how much God loves me just like I am.